Twinkie the Kid

Twinkie the Kid.

Twinkie Shortage? Shoppers Stock Up As News Of Hostess Bankruptcy Spreads On Twitter

This news came to me yesterday in the Safeway as I was shopping after work. The jovial woman on the loud speaker said,"Yes, those are all the Twinkies we have folks. It is going to be it for a while, but you can still get Twinkies on E-bay, and if you are a hoarder that is good news, cause they last for like 10 years."

I was raised on Twinkies. Ding Dongs. Snowballs.They have been an integral part of many many phases of my childhood. I grew up and out on Hostess products. And I feel a strange loss today. 

Now, granted, I have not had a Twinkie in probably 20 years. But as a kid, they were the snack that I got in my lunch. They were special for me since I am not a big fan of chocolate. Everyone in my family ate the chocolate, but that creamy fluffy vanilla goodness was all mine. When I was in middle school Hostess introduced Twinkie the Kid. He was a rootin' tootin' cowboy of a cake, and someone I could relate too. Cowboy on the outside, creamy on the inside.

In college I was in the musical Grease. I played Jan (the fat girl) who ate Twinkies all the time. I wandered all over stage with a Twinkie in my hand. I only probably "ate" 1 a night, but after the run of the show, I had a hard time looking at them. 

Then there is the movie Twinkie. Ghostbusters with Egon holding a Twinkie and comparing the ectoplasmic energy to it. Or the quest  Tallahassee is on for "just one more Twinkie" in Zombieland. 

I worry now that Twinkies are going to be impossible to find that there will be rampaging in the streets, looting, anarchy. Let's face it they are about as good for you as say, crack. But they are important to the flabby fabric of American life. 

Is this just one more step toward the End of the World as We Know IT?

This marks a year since my mom died. A year and 10 days, but who's counting. This morning I got word that a one of my dear one's just lost her mom last night.

What is it with October and mom's dying? I say this for all the people out there in my universe that lost mom's in October last year and now for my dear one. Is it that with the change in seasons we loose these people who kept us mored throughout our lives and that if you are going to mourn, winter is the time for it? I only know that I took this week off from work because I was feeling the grip of the anniversary coming up and now, all I want to do is lie in bed and cry. Again.

I would like to feel like smiling is not hard to do, that breathing is not difficult, that my mind can wander into happy thoughts and not crash against the rocks on shore and break up my vessel and put me under water again. I would like to feel better.

I want grieving to end now, and for the sunshine to start poking through the clouds.

But I guess I am rushing things.


This goes to Kathy, who's mom is gone. And Joe, who's Grandma love him so.

Did an on-line radio show today as the call in psychic. It was for a friend who is doing this and I was doing him a favor.

Or so I thought.

I had a really good time. The hour flew by. I went with my first hits on people and they were satisfied and pleased. I am amazed how easy it was.

Is this what they mean when you do something you are good at and it is easy?

hmmmm.

Impatient

I am dealing with a terrible case of the "instant gratification takes to long". My sister is moving from LA to Seattle, but it is taking too long. One of my best friends is moving back, again, not fast enough. I find that I am impatient with people I work with and with customers. I know some of it is because I have a low tolerance for idiots right now...but seriously, I am just so annoyed by the tempo of the world.

Which is causing me eye tics and palpitations, and making coffee my friend and my enemy. I do not know why I am so twitchy, but I hope it passes.

In the meantime, I hope that people can survive this.

He has risen...

Happy Easter. That special time of year when I look at hats and baskets and pastels and know that spring is near. The time of year when I am constantly cold, because I want summer NOW so I quit wearing socks and coats and therefore end up with frost bite, cause the weather is not all that different from March when I wore wool socks and scarves and coats.

Today is the beginning of a new time, as most days should be, "This is the first day of the rest of your life" and all that. I am going to try to take this day and turn it into a beginning. I am going to make a list of the things that I want in life. I am going to redo the to-do of my life. I am 50 and I realize I have done a lot of what I set out to do as I sat in school daydreaming out the window of my 4th grade class.

Here's some of the highlights:

1. went to and lived in Australia.
2. had a reading for a play I wrote.
3. got published.
4. bought a house.
5. had a house with a large garden and yard, front porch and claw foot tub, and lilac tree.
6. ran my own business.
7. found a job that I can do easily and enjoy going to (for 11 years in July)
8. traveled to most of the places on my list.
     still need: Galapagos, Japan, Scotland, the Spain/South of France/Milano tour, Greece, Iceland.
9. been to Hawaii twice.
10. been to Disneyworld.
11. own outright the perfect Toyota truck, like the land cruiser I wanted all growing up with the side door.
12. have enough money most of the time to feel safe.

I am not putting on my list the waterbed, microwave, bent wood rocker, and perfect Denim outfit with the smiley face shirt and matching hat, because those were the dreams of a 10 year old in the 70's. But the other dreams of that 10 year old have happened.

What hasn't happened:
1. living on the moon with John Travolta.
2. John Denver letting me sing with him on stage.
3. meeting Gene Kelly.
4.wiggling my nose like Samantha Stevens on Bewitch and suddenly being skinny.
5.being the next Carol Burnett on TV, Broadway and the movies.
6. having all the men who I have had crushes on all my life have crushes on me. (and/or not be gay)
7. growing old with Kris.
8.winning the lottery.
9. being Erma Bombeck.

In general, most of what I wanted I have come to terms with. I am thrilled that I have done all I have done so far. Now all I have to do is look at the next 50 years and plan what I will do with them.

It's always good to have a list.

The Pattern

When you think about the things you have done with your life over the years, and you see what works and what doesn't, you begin to see a pattern.

My "Pattern" is that I get in situations where I spend other people's money, create a great work environment, and then hire wonder talented people to work with. The other pattern is that I do all this without getting much credit, money, or safety and usually in an enterprise that is either sinking or going no where. I am always at the whims of the money, the owner, the market. And this is where I need to change the pattern.

There are people who do this in all sorts of ways and ride the crest of the wave into a joyful life. (today's role models are Tina Fey and Chuck Lorre) I am like a person with water wings in an ocean where the surfers are riding beautifully and I just wait there, ready to be knocked over by the next wave and drown. I have drown a number of times in my life, and I am here to tell you that the salt water up the nose part is excruciating and disorienting. The pressure of the surf on your chest is terrifying and unbearable. The feeling of leaving your body is strange and discomforting. And watching the panic ensue as you watch people move your body onto the beach and start pounding on it is heartbreaking.

Painful as the part when you slam back into the reality of what you are is, the truth is that you now have a different perspective. You can see the pattern of your life and take away the parts that work and the parts that don't.

Right now I am sifting through the rubble of my last 50 years (yeah, yeah, I know, mixing metaphors). There is a lot of drowning and explosions and chaos. And I am ready to emerge from this latest drowning with extra strength, special joy and a bag of better metaphors. (yes, I should have used a fire metaphor and then I could use the whole Phoenix thing, live and learn)

What do I want? What do I like? What fits? What is my Pattern?

I'm working on it.

50 and Change.

Turned 50 this week. Got a cold the next day. I notice that after I hit any milestone I always get sick. Like the Universe is saying, "slow down, pay attention, this is important." I have been sick a lot this last year.

This is the first year of my life that my Mom and Dad have not been here for my birthday. I feel a sadness around this that penetrates my bones. It makes it hard to breathe. It is also freeing in a way that is both uncomfortable and delightful. It's very hard for me to explain. But I know that my life has changed forever and I now tread forward through the forrest of my life on a completely different path.

For my birthday this year I held my friends and employees and sister hostage and told them they had to come hear a reading of a play I wrote almost 20 years ago. I felt it was important for this current group of people to know that I could do more than run a video store. It was a nice experience, but it did not do what I thought it would do. It did not make me feel different. It did not bring me to a place where I felt I could launch out as a writer and begin to make life moves. All it did was remind me that I am who I  have created and that person is slightly talented, slightly motivated, and slightly lazy. I want things handed to me, I want things easy, I want things now. I am just like most people. And I am not this great creative person that people (read:family) have said I am.

I wonder if this is the time in my life, this next 20 or 30 years, where I finally decide to be happy with my small life. I finally decide to accept that I am going to be alone. That I finally just breathe and let this path be my friend and just quit fighting? I am ready to quit fighting.

50 is a big number, and truth be told, there have been many times in my life when I really REALLY did not think I would make it this far. So there's that.