January 3, 2013 Holy Crap

This morning I woke up with a little more hope. A little less pain. A whole lot of anxiety. But a feeling like I may be able to survive.

This is something I have not had in what feels like a long time.

I HATE that I am an Eeyore. I want to at least be moving toward Rabbit or Piglet. I understand anxiety and fear. But this Eeyore hopelessness is just draining.

I wonder what it would be like to be a natural Tigger? Or just a comfortable Pooh Bear?

Did I work at the Disney Store too many years?

Here is why I don't Blog more often....

.... I do it so rarely, that when I want to blog I can remember how to get on line and then create a new entry...it is VEXING!

I have cried a  lot today. Happy new year, crazy crying lady. I think it may have just hit me that:
1. Like Danny Glover in "Lethal Weapon" I am too old for this shit. Being that working 10 hour days in retail with only one potty break and not eating actually makes me sick for a few days.
2. That it is already 2013 and I did not do anything to celebrate or acknowledge it's passing, besides
calling my sister at 3:30am to hold my head as I threw up and shook from exhaustion.
3. That there was actually someone in my life for the first time in WELL over 20 years who would do that for me.
4. That no matter how well I do at work, I have a belief that everything is going to drop out from beneath me and that I am going to be homeless, jobless, and have to tape my shoes together with duct tape and hold up signs at intersections that read "have a degree in theatre, music, film and yoga. totally, unemployable, please help".
5. That my parents are dead. Now this is not news. Dad died 8 years ago, Mom a year and change. But for some reason this just kinda snuck up on me and hit me like it was new today. Might help explain the crying. Or some of it. But suddenly I feel very old and very mortal and very sad.
6. That I am afraid of being old, mortal and sad. I am afraid of the pain I feel in my body and in my heart. I am afraid that I will wake up tomorrow and not know how to answer my phone, or I will be confused about how to reply to e-mail....

.....or worse, I won't be able to figure out how to use my blog. And that will mean I am old, broken, and a waste of viable human organs.  This is not a happy spot for me. And I have decided that I am going to try to get myself acting "as if" I was happier. With the idea that acting will actually lead to being.

So today, I am sad, and leaking from my eyes and my chest hurts and my brain is foggy. But tomorrow when I wake up it will be a little better. See, I said, "when I wake up"! Things are getting better already.

z

Twinkie the Kid

Twinkie the Kid.

Twinkie Shortage? Shoppers Stock Up As News Of Hostess Bankruptcy Spreads On Twitter

This news came to me yesterday in the Safeway as I was shopping after work. The jovial woman on the loud speaker said,"Yes, those are all the Twinkies we have folks. It is going to be it for a while, but you can still get Twinkies on E-bay, and if you are a hoarder that is good news, cause they last for like 10 years."

I was raised on Twinkies. Ding Dongs. Snowballs.They have been an integral part of many many phases of my childhood. I grew up and out on Hostess products. And I feel a strange loss today. 

Now, granted, I have not had a Twinkie in probably 20 years. But as a kid, they were the snack that I got in my lunch. They were special for me since I am not a big fan of chocolate. Everyone in my family ate the chocolate, but that creamy fluffy vanilla goodness was all mine. When I was in middle school Hostess introduced Twinkie the Kid. He was a rootin' tootin' cowboy of a cake, and someone I could relate too. Cowboy on the outside, creamy on the inside.

In college I was in the musical Grease. I played Jan (the fat girl) who ate Twinkies all the time. I wandered all over stage with a Twinkie in my hand. I only probably "ate" 1 a night, but after the run of the show, I had a hard time looking at them. 

Then there is the movie Twinkie. Ghostbusters with Egon holding a Twinkie and comparing the ectoplasmic energy to it. Or the quest  Tallahassee is on for "just one more Twinkie" in Zombieland. 

I worry now that Twinkies are going to be impossible to find that there will be rampaging in the streets, looting, anarchy. Let's face it they are about as good for you as say, crack. But they are important to the flabby fabric of American life. 

Is this just one more step toward the End of the World as We Know IT?

This marks a year since my mom died. A year and 10 days, but who's counting. This morning I got word that a one of my dear one's just lost her mom last night.

What is it with October and mom's dying? I say this for all the people out there in my universe that lost mom's in October last year and now for my dear one. Is it that with the change in seasons we loose these people who kept us mored throughout our lives and that if you are going to mourn, winter is the time for it? I only know that I took this week off from work because I was feeling the grip of the anniversary coming up and now, all I want to do is lie in bed and cry. Again.

I would like to feel like smiling is not hard to do, that breathing is not difficult, that my mind can wander into happy thoughts and not crash against the rocks on shore and break up my vessel and put me under water again. I would like to feel better.

I want grieving to end now, and for the sunshine to start poking through the clouds.

But I guess I am rushing things.


This goes to Kathy, who's mom is gone. And Joe, who's Grandma love him so.

Did an on-line radio show today as the call in psychic. It was for a friend who is doing this and I was doing him a favor.

Or so I thought.

I had a really good time. The hour flew by. I went with my first hits on people and they were satisfied and pleased. I am amazed how easy it was.

Is this what they mean when you do something you are good at and it is easy?

hmmmm.

Impatient

I am dealing with a terrible case of the "instant gratification takes to long". My sister is moving from LA to Seattle, but it is taking too long. One of my best friends is moving back, again, not fast enough. I find that I am impatient with people I work with and with customers. I know some of it is because I have a low tolerance for idiots right now...but seriously, I am just so annoyed by the tempo of the world.

Which is causing me eye tics and palpitations, and making coffee my friend and my enemy. I do not know why I am so twitchy, but I hope it passes.

In the meantime, I hope that people can survive this.

He has risen...

Happy Easter. That special time of year when I look at hats and baskets and pastels and know that spring is near. The time of year when I am constantly cold, because I want summer NOW so I quit wearing socks and coats and therefore end up with frost bite, cause the weather is not all that different from March when I wore wool socks and scarves and coats.

Today is the beginning of a new time, as most days should be, "This is the first day of the rest of your life" and all that. I am going to try to take this day and turn it into a beginning. I am going to make a list of the things that I want in life. I am going to redo the to-do of my life. I am 50 and I realize I have done a lot of what I set out to do as I sat in school daydreaming out the window of my 4th grade class.

Here's some of the highlights:

1. went to and lived in Australia.
2. had a reading for a play I wrote.
3. got published.
4. bought a house.
5. had a house with a large garden and yard, front porch and claw foot tub, and lilac tree.
6. ran my own business.
7. found a job that I can do easily and enjoy going to (for 11 years in July)
8. traveled to most of the places on my list.
     still need: Galapagos, Japan, Scotland, the Spain/South of France/Milano tour, Greece, Iceland.
9. been to Hawaii twice.
10. been to Disneyworld.
11. own outright the perfect Toyota truck, like the land cruiser I wanted all growing up with the side door.
12. have enough money most of the time to feel safe.

I am not putting on my list the waterbed, microwave, bent wood rocker, and perfect Denim outfit with the smiley face shirt and matching hat, because those were the dreams of a 10 year old in the 70's. But the other dreams of that 10 year old have happened.

What hasn't happened:
1. living on the moon with John Travolta.
2. John Denver letting me sing with him on stage.
3. meeting Gene Kelly.
4.wiggling my nose like Samantha Stevens on Bewitch and suddenly being skinny.
5.being the next Carol Burnett on TV, Broadway and the movies.
6. having all the men who I have had crushes on all my life have crushes on me. (and/or not be gay)
7. growing old with Kris.
8.winning the lottery.
9. being Erma Bombeck.

In general, most of what I wanted I have come to terms with. I am thrilled that I have done all I have done so far. Now all I have to do is look at the next 50 years and plan what I will do with them.

It's always good to have a list.